Full Disclosure Friday: Waiting on Healing
Ouch. Ohhhh. Wow, that hurts. I sat up in bed. It was about 1 am and sharp pains were shooting through my chest. It felt like someone was stabbing me while sitting on my lungs. I laid back down and propped up my head. Maybe it was heartburn? Twenty minutes later the pain subsided and I fell back asleep.
The next morning I called my sister who is a cardiac nurse. She advised me to see someone asap. This launched a six-month journey of seeing specialist after specialist to determine why I was having erratic chest pains, lethargy, and shortness of breath. Every single test came back without any conclusions about what was causing my symptoms. I was “perfectly healthy.”
After so many months of feeling like an experiment, I gave up trying to figure out what was wrong. Doctors didn’t seem to think I had any imminent health threat so I just decided to carry on with life. The only problem was that I still wasn’t 100%. I still had irregular chest pains, pressure, and at times nausea and dizziness. I was not able to work out in the way that I was accustomed to, and I grew tired very quickly. This was NOT normal. I prayed for God to heal me. I had the elders at my church pray over me. I had my connect group pray and lay hands on me. I felt totally compelled to fight this infirmity.
I had so many people praying for me and one day while I was standing in a church service I felt like I got a response from God. I was tired and I had had several chest episodes so I was feeling upset I still didn’t have any answers. I really didn’t want to be in church however, as the musicians began worshipping I asked God what he wanted to share with me today. I closed my eyes and quieted my thoughts.
In my mind, I saw a flicker of light, like an old film reel when it first begins. The first image of the internal movie was of a woman walking through a crowd. I immediately recognized this woman as the one who had bled for 12 years and courageously went to seek out Jesus to heal her. (Luke 8:43-48) I saw her hand reach out to touch Jesus’ robe and instead of seeing a stranger’s hand I saw my own. I touched the hem of his robes and I believed I was healed. Moments later the woman who was the emcee for the day announced she felt led to pray for anyone who was in need of healing and proceeded to recount the exact bible story I had just watched in my own head! I was so touched and knew that this was a word for me.
I felt that I had received my healing.
I went several weeks without any symptoms and was so confident I had supernaturally moved past whatever my illness was. Unfortunately, my hope was short-lived. A whole new set of symptoms and complications cropped up a few months later. Disappointed and defeated I continued to ask God for healing.
I’m still not back to normal.
It is in this period of waiting I have a choice. To be angry with God or to trust that what he showed me that day at church was real and I am healed. Easier said than done. I have gone back and forth in my mind about whether I should relaunch into another round of experimental tests to find out what is going on or just wait and see. I’m exhausted by the thought of more labs, tests, and doctors shrugging their shoulders without any ideas what to do next.
I know two other women personally who are also medical mysteries. We are all waiting on God to either provide some direction, answers, or restore our health. Being a medical mystery sounds so interesting until it is you. I’m grateful that they shared their stories with me because I don’t feel alone. I’m sharing this to encourage you if you are struggling with a health concern, relationship challenges, or financial crisis. All of these things can cause us to doubt God’s promises and goodness.
I want you to know that I struggle with faith, God’s timing, his ways, and the doubts that I deserve healing. I know I am not alone and I also know that God has a plan and it is for my benefit. So while I continue to move around my day-to-day at 75% I am confident that the other 25% is being carried by Jesus. Perhaps that is what I haven’t quite gotten used to is leaning on him for my strength and energy every day. I’m working on it and I’d love to hear how you are doing? Are you waiting on God? Are you waiting well? If so, please share your thoughts and encouragements in the comments below.